Disappointed with Jon and Kate Plus 8

Recently a friend posted a blog entitled, Regarding Divorce. She was prompted to write her entry after watching the Jon & Kate Plus 8 episode where they announced they were separating. She mentions in her blog how she hoped they would announce that they were going to shut down production to work on their marriage. Not so, instead they decided that marriage wasn't meant to last forever (or something like that) - as Kate later said in an interview. How disappointing.

My friend had a very real confession posted - that she is afraid of divorce. Especially the gradual progression of selfishness that can take place over time, leading to the thought that one or both spouses can't take it anymore, and the only solution they can think of is divorce. I can relate to that fear very well since that (was) always one of my greatest fears too since I grew up with divorce as well.

I wanted to write on this because I think it's a very real topic that most of us can relate to. I have worked hard to overcome this fear and wanted to share my thoughts on it and get your feedback as well. It's unfortunate that we can't just rely on being a Christian and say, "Divorce is not an option," since Christians have the same, if not higher divorce rate, than non-Christians.

So I mentioned I have worked hard to overcome this fear - and still do at times. I don't mean to sound like I have it all down, because I definitely do not. I just have really worked on this fear since I have been married. I never wanted to "think it" into happening. You know the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing. Also, my marriage and the future has been something I have been thinking a lot about recently since E and I decided to expand our family. I knew (or at least had heard) that having kids changes your marriage. I didn't want my marriage to change - I liked it the way it was, and was scared that having kids would ruin our relationship. Especially since there was so many people saying negative things surrounding having kids and marriage...

I do know that marriage does take work, and can have it's wonderful, awesome moments. However, marriage can also be very difficult. I don't think true love comes without hardships, for those hard times makes you that much more in love. For four years, Eric and I have put in a lot of work into our marriage-we are VERY in love. :) We have been through counseling, marriage seminars, read books along with small groups, watched sermons on marriage, and have applied a lot of tools that we have learned from all of this. What I can say is that there is hope. There is hope for EVERY marriage (except one in which there is physical, mental or emotional violence in my opinion).

How do you not let that gradual progression of selfishness or whatever it is take place? I believe it is through constant effort with use of some tools to prevent the complacency that can often take place over time. Eric and I found so much hope through the tools we were taught through the sources I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Some of the tools we were taught, and the ones that especially stood out to us were these following things:

1. Pray together.
2. Utilize "Time Outs" during what Eric likes to call, "Intense fellowships."
3. Regular Date Nights.
4. Meet regularly with mentors/accountability partners.
5. Understanding God's intentions for each of our roles in marriage and setting that as our guideline.
6. Regular connection/intimacy.

I am only mentioning these things, not because I'm an expert on marriage - far from it. I just hope I can share what I have learned, and that it might give others a new idea or food for thought at least.

These are tools that we were taught have to really be non-negotiable. It's cliche, but someone said that if you view marriage as a marathon in which you'll need constant training, you'll succeed to the finish line.

The marriage seminar we went to through our church along with the book that we read had a lot of impact on our marriage. The book is, Intimacy: 100 Day Guide to Lasting Relationships by Doug Weiss. The seminar was helpful as well as the book. There is a lot in this book to digest, but it is well worth it.

Another impactful tool was some sermons by Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in Seattle. We first watched the sermon on Women in Marriage and then the next night watched the sermon, Men and Marriage. You have to watch the entire sermon including the questions and answer sessions at the end of each sermon. To us, it was powerful, and opened up a lot of conversation for us. It may not be for you, and that's ok...this is just something that was helpful to us.

You can find the sermons at:

Mars Hill Church: Trial Sermon Series - Women and Marriage

Mars Hill Church: Trial Sermon Series - Men and Marriage

I am writing all this to say that I can definitely relate to the fear of divorce. I know that all marriages will face some trials in the course of their lives, but I know there is hope. I have found peace in my faith that by following the Lord's plan for marriages, we (E and I) can weather any storm. I hope I have not come across sounding like I know it all. I have learned that you get out what you put in. I believe that is what makes a marriage last.